Decisions...

Now we had to decide whether or not to take Hunter to the funeral home. Cliff and I both thought we should at least just for a few minutes but it turns out we didn't take him. We were in fear of him having a meltdown because my father in law wouldn't wake up for him. Cliff was stressed out enough and Hunter can be a handful at times and compulsive so we chose not to take him. It may not be the right decision but it was the best for us and Cliff was able to relax and greet family and friends and not feel anymore stress. Its kinda ironic but the day Clifford Sr. passed Hunter drew a picture at school with crayon and it kinda looked like grass and the sky so we decided to put that in the casket with a picture of Hunter also. The next few days seemed calmer and I was worried about the next time Hunter would be alone for the first time with my mother in law. I knew he would ask where he was and I didn't want her to get upset with answering his repetitive questions. Yesterday was the day and Hunter asked her where he was and she told him just as I did and he then asked "if  pawpaw had a sore throat?" my mother in law thought quickly and said "no he just wasn't feeling good and he went to heaven but he is ok." Hunter continued to ask her and she kept telling him the same thing. She said to me"I didn't want him to think it was a sore throat because if he got one he would think he wasn't coming back." Her and I sat on the couch talking and he came in and Hunter came in asked again and we explained and then he asked "pawpaw doesn't like us anymore?" we looked at each other and our hearts sank and she said "yes he loved everybody. he loved mommy,daddy, you and me and he is ok." He seemed ok with that answer. I was in total shock that he said that and almost relieved because my boy did somewhat understand the changes in his life. Pawpaw was his buddy. They would sing together,tell stories and dance. He loved to lock all of us and in his playroom and make us all sing and dance wtih him. Hunter loves these moments and so did my father in law. He would try to sneak out sometimes if Hunter had us in there for to long. Hunter would go right out and get him and my father in law would come right back no matter how long it took he wouldn't let Hunter down and he would sing with him.Today he asked but seemed to be ok with the answer he got and I think and hope it will get easier for him.I can not even imagine not understanding but please believe we will do everything in our power to help him through this.

tough conversation

It was 345 and the bus was about to pull up and I was prepared to tell Hunter what had happened. Cliff went with his family to make arrangements at the funeral home. Hunter has a specific routine when he gets home. He takes his clothes off and puts them in the laundry room. He grabs his ten pages and flyswatter(his coping mechanisms) he asks for spaghetti, pop, and doritos and then goes in his room and turns on his computer. If his light and fan are not on he asks me to turn them on even though he knows how it is just his routine.I told Hunter I had something to tell him. I said "pawpaw got sick and went to heaven and when you go to mamaw's you wont see pawpaw anymore but he is in a safe place." Hunter said" spaghetti and pop." I said" Hunter look at me(he doesn't make much eye contact) I then repeated myself and he said "I want spaghetti and pop." I now know this is gonna be tougher than I thought because he has no idea what I am saying. The next day we sent Hunter to school and I asked his awesome bus driver Ms. Peggy Brown to drop him off at my mother in laws as she often does because my inlaws watch him for us on Wednesdays and Fridays. Hunter got off the bus and the first thing he asked my mother in law is "where is pawpaw?" my mother in law told him the same thing I did the day before and it seemed to suffice him for that day.

Last week...:(

Last week was a very sad week for us. My husband lost his dad, my son lost his pawpaw and I lost my father in law. It was a little before 9 am on Monday April 2nd. I was at work and I got a phone call. I just assumed it was another crazy vendor calling me with some crazy drama. I was in receiving when I picked up the call and on the other end was Cliff and he said"hey its me, Debbie(Cliff's oldest sister) came over and dad died in his sleep last night." I screamed" Oh my God I am on my way." I took off running from the back of the store to the front. I can hardly walk when I am at work because my feet usually hurt so bad but somehow I ran to my office. I passed a few team members and by their reactions the look on my face must have been sheer panic. I got to my desk and collapsed my STL and HR came to me and try to console me but all I could think about was how am I gonna tell Hunter. He will never understand. A normal child doesn't understand death let alone a child with autism.I pulled myself together and called my bff Laurie to let her know. I left work and called Cliff he was ok but not ok. He said he would meet me at his moms house. When I got to his moms Cliff's siblings and aunt and uncle were there and my father in law was still there. It was bittersweet to see him one last time at home before they took him away . He passed away somewhere between 330am and 730am after being up all night sick. He laid there peacefully on his side like he just went to sleep. My father in law battled diabetes and heart problems. We assume congestive heart failure is what caused him to die.He was 71 young years old. The hard part was yet to come. Hunter Ray would be home at 345 from school and we had to explain to him his pawpaw went to heaven.